Self-love may be the greatest and most important love they you experience in this lifetime. However, for so many people, learning to love yourself does not seem so easy to achieve. For most of us, genuine self-love seems so elusive, so much harder to grasp than we expect.

Criticism never changes a thing.  Refuse to criticize yourself.  Accept yourself exactly as you are, you can’t change the past or what has happened but you can accept it, by accepting who you are and making changes to the way you live your life until you are happy with the way it is.  

If you keep giving to others without giving to yourself, it is like pouring water from a vessel. If you pour and pour without ever refilling it, eventually, it will run dry. So, if we are like that vessel, how do we refill, recharge, re-energize, and replenish ourselves, so that we will have energy and love to give to others and to the world? The answer is: by loving and giving to ourselves, first. How do we begin to do this?

Don't scare yourself:  

Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts.  Find a mental image that gives you pleasure and a sense of peace, and immediately switch your scary thought to a pleasure thought. Some people find it helpful to create a ‘happy/safe’ place in their mind and envisage themselves going there when dark thoughts are entering their minds.

Be gentle and kind and patient:  

Be gentle with yourself.  Be kind to yourself.  Be patient with yourself as you learn the new ways of thinking.  Treat yourself as you would someone you really loved. It takes time to move on from abuse and break free from the self destructive cycles it can leave you in. Don’t be hard on yourself if you find it hard or if it is taking a long time this are natural, focus on what you have achieved rather than what you are yet to achieve

Be kind to your mind:  

Self-hatred is only hating your own thoughts.  Don't hate yourself for having the thoughts.  Gently change the thoughts. In this society, we're taught that praising ourselves is selfish and wrong. But praising ourselves for things that are good about ourselves only helps us. It is a healing thing to do, something that nourishes our self-worth. When we love ourselves, we're happier and more true to our own selves...and that happiness and ability to be free spreads to others.

So...try to think of something that you like about yourself, or something that you did today that made you or someone else feel good -- no matter how small it may seem. Give yourself the kind of warm praise that you would a friend.

If someone tries to knock you down, focus on your own positive thoughts, don’t allow their thoughts to have any power in your mind, your good thoughts about yourself are stronger. There will always be people like that in this world, just as you will always have the strength and the power to choose to listen to them or not, to choose to give value to what they say or not.

Praise yourself:  

Criticism breaks the inner spirit.  Praise builds it up.  Praise yourself as much as you can.  Tell yourself how well you are doing with every little thing.  

Make a list of all the things you like about yourself. Be as honest as you can. Modesty doesn't help you here; neither do old critical messages. If you're having trouble finding things you value about yourself, think about the things you value and love in your friends, then see if those things exist inside you, too. Most often, they do.

Fill a special notebook with your list, or create a set of cards. Make the notebook as beautiful as you can -- make it something that makes you feel good when you look at it. Fill it with happy memories or good things you have done or achieved. Then open it up and look at it any time you're feeling down or critical about yourself, or any time anyone says anything that triggers your criticalness of yourself.

Look at this good-things-about-yourself book as frequently as you can. It may seem silly, but repetition really does make a difference. (Just think of the impact one critical phrase said by a parent over and over to a child can have. It really does have an effect! Now try to give that child inside you at least one truly loving phrase about yourself that s/he can hold on to.)

Support yourself:  

Find ways to support yourself.  Reach out to friends, and allow them to help you.  It is being strong to ask for help when you need it. Some of these things will work really well for you, while others may not quite fit you. So try taking a moment to get quiet, and ask yourself, "What can I do to help myself feel more compassion and love toward myself?" Don't force an answer -- just let the answer come from inside you. If you find it hard to hear the answer that way, try writing out your question, and then your answer. See what you come up with. You know best what works for you -- and you have great wisdom inside you.

Above all -- have compassion for yourself and for where you're at. Remember that you are a truly loveable person -- and that you deserve only kind treatment, especially from yourself.

Be loving to your negatives:  

Acknowledge that you created them to fulfil a need.  Now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfil those needs.  So lovingly release the old negative patterns.

If you're feeling really judgmental about something you've done or said, try to understand where the judgment is coming from. Not the immediate, surface answer, but an answer deep down inside you. Are you afraid of something, or are you feeling insecure? Do you think you did something "wrong," or are you hearing the judgment of a voice from your past? Try to connect to that little kid inside of you who's feeling that way, and really listen to how s/he's feeling. Hug and reassure that kid, and let her/him know that s/he didn't do anything wrong, and that you love her/him.

You can also think of a friend having acted as you did. Imagine how you'd feel towards them -- how you'd still love them and readily forgive them if there was anything to forgive. You probably wouldn't even find it bothersome! Try to feel that same love and compassion for yourself.

Write down all the negative or critical thoughts and messages you hear inside your head. See if you can figure out who first said them to you (or said something of that nature). Then write out a response that counteracts each of those messages, one by one. Make the counter messages as strong, as positive and as loving as you can.

If you're having trouble writing out counter messages, see if you can connect to a deep, wise part inside of you. Or write out what you would say to a friend if a friend said those things about her/himself.

Take care of your body:  

Learn about nutrition.  What kind of fuel does your body need to have optimum energy and vitality?  Learn about exercise.  What kind of hobbies would you enjoy? What kind of activities beneficial to you? 

"Treat" yourself to things like a massage, a facial, a pedicure, or a gym membership. Taking breaks and having fun are important, as well. Whether alone, with a friend, or with a partner, you may want to have a night out on the town: go out for a nice dinner, go dancing, and/or attend the theatre, a concert, the ballet, or a movie. If you tend to be a workaholic -- or if you are more a saver than a spender -- then perhaps it is time to take a well-deserved, long-overdue vacation. Of course, treating yourself does not need to involve great expense: you can take a bubble bath, eat dinner at home by candlelight, take a walk on the beach, swim in the ocean (those waters are very healing), or watch a sunset. Perhaps you enjoy taking time to paint or to write. These are just a few ideas... You can put your own imagination to work...

Cherish and revere the temple you live in. Allow yourself to do comforting and nurturing things for yourself. Let yourself feel how good you feel when you do those things -- and tell yourself that you deserve to feel that way, to feel good. Gradually you'll find that the more nurturing and comforting times you have, the more you'll seek them out -- and they will help build a good feeling inside you.

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Mirror work and affirmations: 

Look into your own eyes often.  Express this growing sense of love you have for yourself.   Forgive yourself looking into the mirror.  I know, I know, this sounds corny. But if you hear good things about yourself over and over, you can't help but have some of it sink in.

Write out strong, loving things to say to yourself, even if you don't fully believe them. Some examples are:

"I utterly and completely deserve love and kindness,"

"I am a very loveable person,"

"I am kind, compassionate, intelligent, and wise." (Or substitute the words for loving words that you feel best suit you.

Now put up those affirmations in places you'll see them every day -- on the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, on your bedside table, next to your favorite chair, on the kitchen wall next to where you cook your food or eat a meal. Don't forget to read them.

If you're not comfortable having them up in such public places, then write out a bunch of them (or copies of a few) and put them in places you'll find them -- in your jacket or jeans pocket, in a book you're reading or a favorite book, in your desk drawer, in with your clothes. They're little love notes to yourself. In fact, you may want to do both things -- have them up and also hidden in places where you'll find them.

When you read an affirmation, read it slowly, and really let yourself feel it. Don't just say it by rote. Try to let yourself be there as fully as you can.  

Ask for a list of things people like about you.

Sometimes it can be hard to find things we like or love about ourselves. So -- ask other people to tell you all the things they like about you. Ask a friend, a lover, a therapist. This isn't a replacement for your own love; it's a first step in learning to love yourself. You may need to hear the things other people like about you before you can value them in yourself.

If hearing what people like about you is hard, ask your friends to write it down for you, or leave it on your voice mail, so you can read/listen to it over and over. Go back to it as many times as you can. Even if you don't believe that someone can like a particular thing about you, or you don't believe it exists, trust that your friend does see it and value it.

When you start to hear critical voices inside your head, go back to those things your friend said/wrote about you, and remember that you are loved.

Love yourself like a friend:

Close your eyes and think of a person you deeply love and trust, and who you know loves you. Think about all the things you love and appreciate about them. Notice how that love feels inside you, how it makes you feel good.

Now turn it around the other way -- be your friend, feeling that same deep love for you. Trust in their love for you, and just feel it. Let yourself see your self through gentle eyes, with compassion and love the way your friend does, even if you can only do it for a moment. Now let yourself receive that love, the love you have as a friend to yourself. Feel the warmth move through you. Remember how it feels, and come back to that love another time.

Make a note every time someone says something nice about you. Every time someone tells you something about yourself that makes you feel good, write it down or make a mental note and jot it down later. When you get home, put that note in a container of "good things about me." Decorate the container however you like. Keep on adding notes, and read them over every time you need a little boost -- and even when you don't feel like you do.

Stop expecting the worst:

Expectations are destructive. It isn’t so much the experience itself that causes us pain, but rather the expectations we have about the experience. Have you ever anticipated a situation and then been disappointed because it didn’t meet up to your expectations? Have you ever expected the worst to the extent where it has caused the worse to happen? If you had gone into the situation with an open mind, you might have actually enjoyed yourself. But instead, we tend to cause ourselves so much pain by expecting people and events to live up to the negatives we have set in our minds.

Our expectations, in a sense, take away our power of choice. We have the picture set in our minds, and for many of us, this is an automatic process that we seem to have very little control over. Once we have that picture in our mind, that expectation, that experience or person must live up to it in order to us to be fulfilled. We have no choice but to accept whatever meets our expectation and reject what doesn’t. The choice is really no longer ours to make…unless we can open our minds to whatever is happening in the moment and reject any expectations our mind wants to form. If you continually expect the worst to happen then often it prevents you from working towards, or allowing the best to happen.

Failure is programmed into expectation. We set ourselves up for failure by not having an open mind. Nothing can possibly live up to the ideal image we have created in our minds; everything is doomed to failure, thanks to our expectations. This failure we feel when our expectations are not met leads to disappointment in ourselves or others, despair that anything can ever live up to our idealizations, fear that perhaps we are inadequate and to blame for this failure, and emotional pain. Whether we suffer from our own expectations or others’ it is the expectation that hurts. Negative expectations that aren’t met often leave us feeling confused or unsure.  

But it doesn’t have to be this way. We do not have to live with unrealized expectations, failure, disappointment and hurt. The way to avoid this is simple in nature and in practice. It is loving who you are and how you are in every moment, especially those moments of rage and despair. It is accepting what is right now with an open mind and no preconceived ideas. It is softening and loving, knowing it’s going to by ok. It is learning to make friends again and again with our shameful parts, our confusing parts, our wild parts, our silly parts, and the whole of ourselves. We must accept that we have bodies that have pain, either emotional or physical. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but the pain is usually present. That has to be ok. Cursing the pain won’t help. Love your body and the pain that is there. Soften and open to the pain. Conflict stops with acceptance.

Recognize that the love has to come from you:

If you're a survivor of child abuse or come from an abusive situation, you may still be waiting for a parent or partner to give you the love and acceptance you never got as a child. But the kind of love you need (or needed as a child) probably isn't going to come from a parent who abused you or who looked the other way while you were being abused. But it can come from you.

It can be hard to give it to yourself at first -- after all, if you didn't receive love as a child, or if some of that love was torn away from you by violence, self-hate may have built up inside you. But you have the courage and strength to love yourself, if you've survived this long. And you do deserve it!

So try to connect to that little child inside, that child who deserves all of your love and acceptance.
 

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