What is it?

Mental abuse (which includes emotional, psychological and verbal abuse) in any kind of relationship is a serious problem. It is about power and control it is the belittling, humiliation, intimidation or threatening of a partner. Isolating a partner from friends & family & controlling finances are abusive behaviours too; it is not about respect and love. Mental abuse is the umbrella or cornerstone of all types of abuse, including physical and sexual abuse. Just what is mental abuse? It is the ongoing emotional environment created by your abuser for the purposes of control. It's sort of like a search and destroy mission. In this war, the abuser plays on your self-esteem, your individual self, your energy, your ability to feel and question and want and need and be.... as the enemy. Your ability to be separate from your partner - an alive and thinking human being - is what your abuser most fears. At least, that's what it feels like to your abuser. Unable to tolerate you as you are - your abuser sets out to create an artificial self that he/she is then able to mould.

Both men and women in relationships, families and social circumstances can inflict mental abuse.

Stereotyped beliefs, myths and behaviour about roles for women and men in families, relationships and social environments, and about what true love is, are often at the root of mental abusive behaviour. Women in our culture are often socialized to be accommodating, to believe that it is their job to care for others at their own expense and to please men. Men are often socialized to believe that it is their job to protect women, to be in control at all times and to "call the shots." However often it is the reversal of these roles, which can also cause mental abuse to be present for male survivors.

Many young women and men believe that they must be in a relationship to be whole. They believe that they should devote themselves totally to their partner, often to the exclusion of other relationships and interests. Jealousy, possessiveness and sometimes abuse, is seen as a sign of true love. Believing that any relationship—even an abusive one—is better than no relationship at all, leaves individuals without the support that they need to leave an unhealthy relationship.

Remember, mental abuse escalates. Mental abuse can and sometimes does, turn physical.

Mental abuse can take the form of:

Ignored feelings.

Ridiculed or insulted in social situations

Insulting your most valued beliefs, your religion, race, heritage or class.

Withheld approval, appreciation or affection as punishment.

Continually criticising you, calling you names, shouting at you.

Humiliating you in private or public.

Refusing to socialize with you.

Keeping you from working, controlled your money, made all decisions. 

Regularly threatening to leave you or telling you to leave.

Threatening to hurt you or your family.

Abusing, torturing, killing pets to hurt you.

Harassing you about other friendships/relationships

Manipulating you with lies and contradictions.

Destroyed furniture, punched holes in walls, broke appliances 

Provocative behaviour with opposite sex

Hypercriticism  

Refusal to communicate

Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice

Extreme moodiness

"I love you but..."

"If you don't shape up, I will..."

Domination and control

This is by no means an exhaustive list.

Self-Esteem

One of the most devastating effects of living with a mental abuser is the change in self-esteem. As the survivor begin to internalise the criticism and believe it's valid, self-image sinks lower and lower. They start feeling worthless, incompetent, and unlovable. After all, when someone who knows them so well thinks they are so worthless and unlovable, then "it must be true."

Sticks and stones ... and that saying of old keeps many survivors in place until mental abuse has destroyed self-esteem, making leaving even harder. They even start thinking that if this person loves them, they should hold on to them. Often believing that this is what they deserve, that this is normal, that it is better than being alone or leaving a family situation.

The fact that mental abusers are quite often charming people adds to the confusion. The abuser can turn on the charm with the survivor they are abusing, making him/her doubt their instincts. This lowers the survivor’s self-confidence even further.

All abuse takes a toll on self-esteem. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless.

In addition, most mental abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened.

Mental abuse is a blow of death to your self-esteem. Often the first step in leaving the abuse is obtaining counselling to rebuild that esteem.

Although mental abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often more seriously damaging to your self-image. One of the most difficult things about mental abuse is what it "looks" like. Unlike physical abuse - there are no visible scars. Unlike sexual assault - it can be difficult to describe or explain. But just like all abuse - it hurts. It hurts a lot - it can hurt a long time - and it can cause a great deal of damage to the self-esteem. Mental abuse can almost seem like the mystery hurt - once in it - you can become so much consumed with it and subsumed by it - that you do not even know what is happening. You can certainly have a hard time naming the experience mental abuse is cruel and scars your soul. Naming the behaviour is the first critical step to escaping the behaviour - and the trap of low self-regard and hopelessness.

Many survivors never discuss mental abuse. Indeed, some do not even recognize that they are being mentally abused.

Often a mental abuser is quite sensitive to outsiders finding out about the abuse and is very careful to save these scenes for the home environment only. Many mental abusers are delightful, charming people in public. They treat their victim with such respect that people often think they "have the perfect relationship." They save their cruelty for a private audience of one.

Mentally abusive relationships can often result in a difficulty with self-belief. You have learned at the hands of your abuser to question your self and your value. As you move to make decisions and observations about yourself - you are likely to seek out validation for much of what you think and do.

If you are in a mentally abusive relationship, start by acknowledging the abuse. This is not an easy thing to do, especially as your self-esteem is weakened. Outside help may be necessary because those outside the situation often aren’t under the spell of your abuser.

Make plans to create a better environment for you.  Don't stay too long, though, because every time your self-esteem sinks further, you lessen your chances of actually leaving.

Fear and seeking help

All types of abuse leave you frightened. The fear may not be limited to a fear for physical safety. The fear can more shapeless. You know you do not feel strong. You do not feel as if you can take risks. You do not even believe it is acceptable to try.

The abuse can start slowly, and perhaps not even feel like abuse - just a simple "it's all your fault" here and there. Be warned that mental abuse is often the precursor to more.

Unfortunately the classic tale of mental abuse is often followed by physical abuse, and then sexual abuse. And typically the cycle is that the abuser, at some point, apologizes for the abuse. Then comes the honeymoon period during which things are relatively fine - and then the abuse starts all over again.

People who have grown up in abusive homes can easily duplicate those experiences in their adult lives. If you grew up in an abusive family, you know how frightening and hurtful the experience was. Do all you can to protect yourself and your children in the way that your family did not or could not when you were a child. If you were the victim of abuse as a child - you know only too well how much that hurt - you do not have to re-enact your childhood pain in your adult life. You do not have to treat others as you were treated.

Typically abuse, once begun, only escalates. Unless the abuser accepts responsibility for his/her behaviour and seeks professional help - it is quite likely the abuse will continue and worsen.

There is help. There is support. No one deserves to be frightened, terrorized or helped to feel hopeless and helpless about themselves and their lives. The police, support networks and shelters take mental abuse just as seriously as physical abuse.

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