Physical Abuse

Violence can affect anyone, regardless of religion, colour, or social standing. It happens in both wealthy and poor situations and in single-parent or two-parent households. Sometimes adults abuse each other, some parents abuse their children by using physical cruelty as a way of discipline, or as an expression of their struggles. Men and women, girls and boys can experience abusive physical punishment.

Physical abuse may be any kind of hitting, shaking, burning, pinching, biting, choking, throwing, whipping, paddling, beating, and other actions that cause physical injury, leave marks, or produce significant physical pain.

Though there are no typical victims of domestic violence, abusive relationships do share similar characteristics. In all cases, the abuser aims to exert power and control over his/her victim.

Recognizing Abuse

It may sound strange, but people sometimes have trouble recognizing that they are being abused. Recognizing abuse may be especially difficult for someone who has lived with it for many years. A person might think that it's just the way things are and that there's nothing that can be done about it. People who are abused might mistakenly think they bring it on themselves by misbehaving or by not living up to someone's expectations.

Someone growing up in a violent or abusive family may not know that there are other ways for family members to treat each other. A person who has only known an abusive relationship may mistakenly think that hitting, beating, pushing, shoving, or angry name-calling are perfectly normal ways to treat someone when you're mad. Seeing parents treat each other in abusive ways may lead a child to think that's a normal relationship. It's important for people who grow up with abuse to know that it is not a normal, or healthy, or acceptable way to treat people.

Why Does It Happen?

There is no one reason why people abuse others, although there are some factors that seem to make it more likely that a person may become abusive. Growing up in an abusive family, for example, can teach someone that abuse is a way of life. Fortunately, though, many people who grow up in abusive families realize that abuse is not acceptable and are able to break patterns of abuse.

Some people become abusive because they are not able to manage their feelings properly. For example, people who are unable to control their anger or people who can't cope with stressful personal situations (like the loss of a job or marital problems) may lash out at others inappropriately. Certain types of personality disorders or mental illness can also interfere with a person's ability to relate to others in healthy ways or cause people to have problems with aggression or self-control. Of course, not everyone with a personality disorder or mental illness becomes abusive.

Substance abuse, such as alcoholism or drug use, can also play a role in abuse by making it difficult for the abuser to control his or her actions.

Of course, just because someone may have a problem, it doesn't automatically mean that person will become abusive. If you're one of the thousands of people living in an abusive situation, though, it can help to understand why some people abuse - and to realize that violence is all about the person doing it, not the fault of the person being abused.

Abusers are not easy to spot. There is no 'typical' abuser. In public, they may appear friendly and loving to their partner and family. They often only abuse behind closed doors. They also try to hide the abuse by causing injuries that can be hidden and do not need a doctor. 

Abuse is not an accident. It does not happen because someone was stressed-out, drinking, or using drugs. Abuse is an intentional act that one person uses in a relationship to control the other. Abusers have learned to abuse so that they can get what they want

Even if someone close to you has behavioural or other problems that cause him or her to abuse others, these don't make the abuse acceptable, normal, or excusable. Abuse can always be corrected, and everyone can learn how to stop. No abuse is acceptable and getting out of the situation is the most important thing.

What Are The Effects Of Abuse?

Physical abuse can be as emotionally traumatizing as it is physically traumatizing. The betrayal that the victim will associate with a trusted parental figure or partner hurting them can be devastating. It is also usually accompanied by emotional abuse, the physical assaults being interspersed with verbal insults and unreasonable expectations.

If someone is abused, it can affect every aspect of that person's life, especially self-esteem. How much abuse damages a person depends on the circumstances surrounding the abuse, how often and how long the abuse occurs, the age of the person who was abused, and lots of other factors.

Of course, every family has arguments. In fact, it's rare when a family doesn't have some rough times, disagreements, and anger. Punishments and discipline - like removing privileges, grounding, or being sent to your room - are normal in most families. It becomes a problem, though, when the punishment is physically or emotionally damaging. That's called abuse. 

When your self-concept has been shredded, when you have been deeply injured and made to feel the injury was all your fault, when you look for approval to those who can not or will not provide it—you play the role assigned to you by your abusers. It's time to stop playing that role

Many people who are abused distrust others. They may feel a lot of anger toward other people and themselves, and it can be hard to make friends. Some abuse victims become depressed. Some may engage in self-destructive behaviour, such as self harm or misusing drugs or alcohol. They may even attempt to take their own lives.

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Common Feelings Following Physical Abuse

▪ Fear And Anxiety
Anxiety is a common and natural response to a dangerous situation. For many it lasts long after the abuse ended. This happens when views of the world and a sense of safety have changed. You may become anxious when you remember the abuse. But sometimes anxiety may come from out of the blue. Triggers that can cause anxiety may include places, times of day, certain smells or noises, or any situation that reminds you of the abuse. As you begin to pay more attention to the times you feel afraid you can discover the triggers for your anxiety. In this way, you may learn that some of the out-of-the-blue anxiety is really triggered by things that remind you of your abuse.

▪ Re-experiencing Of The Trauma
People who have been traumatized often re-experience the traumatic event. For example, you may have unwanted thoughts of the abuse, and find yourself unable to get rid of them. Some people have flashbacks, or very vivid images, as if the abuse is occurring again. Nightmares are also common. These symptoms occur because a traumatic experience is so shocking and so different from everyday experiences that you can't fit it into what you know about the world. So in order to understand what happened, your mind keeps bringing the memory back, as if to better digest it and fit it in. However with time and therapy these episodes can become easier. There are some helpful suggestions on how to cope with these on The Lighthouse Sanctuary Website.

▪ Increased Arousal
This includes feeling jumpy, jittery, and shaky, being easily startled, and having trouble concentrating or sleeping. Continuous arousal can lead to impatience and irritability, especially if you're not getting enough sleep. The arousal reactions are due to the fight or flight response in your body. The fight or flight response is the way we protect ourselves against danger, and it occurs also in animals. When we protect ourselves from danger by fighting or running away, we need a lot more energy than usual, so our bodies pump out extra adrenaline to help us get the extra energy we need to survive.

People who have been abused often see the world as filled with danger, so their bodies are on constant alert, always ready to respond immediately to any attack. The problem is that increased arousal is useful in truly dangerous situations. But alertness becomes very uncomfortable when it continues for a long time even in safe situations. Another reaction to danger is to freeze or panic there is some helpful suggestions on panic attacks on The Lighthouse Sanctuary Website.

Any thing you find helpful to relax can be of benefit when you feel you are struggling such as long hot baths or taking time out, art work etc.

▪ Avoidance
The most common is avoiding situations that remind you of the abuse, such as the place where it happened. Often situations that are less directly related to the abuse are also avoided, such as going out in the evening if the abuse occurred at night. Another way to reduce discomfort is trying to push away painful thoughts and feelings. This can lead to feelings of numbness, where you find it difficult to have both fearful and pleasant or loving feelings. Sometimes the painful thoughts or feelings may be so intense that your mind just blocks them out altogether, and you may not remember parts of the abuse.

Whilst in the short term this might help you remain calm and cope with things in the long run blocking things out and not dealing with them can hurt you, as the emotions and memories can come flooding back when you are at your lowest. Allow yourself to experience and deal with the pain at a pace you are comfortable with and with the support of a therapist things can become easier for you.

Many people who have been abused feel angry and irritable. If you are not used to feeling angry this may seem scary as well. It may be especially confusing to feel angry at those who are closest to you. Sometimes people feel angry because of feeling irritable so often. Anger can also arise from a feeling that the world is not fair.

▪ Abuse Often Leads To Feelings Of Guilt And Shame
Many people blame themselves for things they did or didn't do to survive. It's normal for people who have been abused by the people they love to not only feel upset but also confused about what happened to them. They may feel guilty and embarrassed and blame themselves. But abuse is never the fault of the person who is being abused, no matter how much the abuser tries to blame it on them.

For example, some assault survivors believe that they should have fought off an assailant, and blame themselves for the attack. Others feel that if they had not fought back they wouldn't have gotten hurt. You may feel ashamed because during the trauma you acted in ways that you would not otherwise have done. Sometimes, you may feel like the abuse was your fault, this is often because the abuser has drummed this into you.

Feeling guilty about the abuse means that you are taking responsibility for what occurred. While this may make you feel somewhat more in control, it can also lead to feelings of helplessness and depression.

None of the abuse was your fault you are a victim. You can’t change what has happened and dwelling on things you could have done differently will not help you move on.

▪ Grief And Depression
This can include feeling down, sad, hopeless or despairing. You may cry more often. You may lose interest in people and activities you used to enjoy. You may also feel that plans you had for the future don't seem to matter anymore, or that life isn't worth living. These feelings can lead to thoughts of wishing you were dead, or doing something to hurt or kill yourself. Because you feel the abuse has changed so much of how you see the world and yourself, it makes sense to feel sad and to grieve for what you lost because of the abuse. These feelings can be very destructive and can lead to suicide or self harm, try and focus on the fact that you have survived that you are a fighter and you can make things better for you. Do not let your abuser win by allowing him to completely destroy you by making you hurt yourself. If things get too bad please call someone.

▪ Self-image and views of the world
These often become more negative after abuse. You may tell yourself, "If I hadn't been so weak or stupid this wouldn't have happened to me." Many people see themselves as more negative overall after abuse ("I am a bad person and deserved this.").

It is also very common to see others more negatively, and to feel that you can't trust anyone. If you used to think about the world as a safe place, the abuse may suddenly make you think that the world is very dangerous. If you had previous bad experiences, abuse convinces you that the world is dangerous and others aren't to be trusted. These negative thoughts often make people feel they have been changed completely by the abuse. Relationships with others can become tense and it is difficult to become intimate with people as your trust decreases.

Take it slowly, spend your time with people that you trusted before the abuse or that you have grown to trust, it may involve taking risks and perhaps allowing yourself to spend time with people despite the warning bells going off in your head. It will take time but you can get there.

▪ Alcohol And Other Substances
Some people increase their use of alcohol or other substances after abuse. There is nothing wrong with responsible drinking, but if your use of alcohol or drugs changed as a result of your abusive experience, it can slow down your recovery and cause problems of its own. Drink and other substances can help you block out pain, this is a common myth, they can increase your feelings of pain and hurt and depress you further. They can make you unaware of any pain you may do to yourself and also put you in a vulnerable position because you are less able to look after yourself. They can not solve things for you simply help you in the denial of things which can lead to pain further down the line and a self destructive pattern of living.

Many of the reactions to abuse are connected to one another. For example, a flashback may make you feel out of control, and will therefore produce fear and arousal. Many people think that their common reactions to the abuse mean that they are "going crazy" or "losing it." These thoughts can make them even more fearful. Again, as you become aware of the changes you have gone through since the abuse, and as you process these experiences during treatment, the symptoms should become less distressing.

Abusers often try to manipulate the people they're abusing into either thinking the abuse is their fault or to keep the abuse quiet such as threatening to hurt the victims family or friends or by convincing the victim that they would get in trouble. This is the abuser's way of making a person feel like nothing can be done so that he or she won't take any action to stop or report the abuse.

People who are abused may have trouble getting help because it means they'd be reporting on someone they love - someone who may be wonderful much of the time and awful to them only some of the time. So abuse often goes unreported.

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What Should Someone Who's Being Abused Do?

People who are being abused need to get help. Keeping the abuse a secret doesn't protect a person from being abused - it only makes it more likely that the abuse will continue.

If you or anyone you know is being abused, talk to someone you or your friend can trust - a family member, a friend, a trusted teacher, a doctor, or an adult who works with youth at school or in a place of worship. Many teachers and counsellors, for instance, have training in how to recognize and report abuse. 

Domestic violence is part of a continuing cycle that's difficult to break. If you're in an abusive situation, you may recognize this pattern:

▪ Your abuser strikes using words or actions.
▪ Your abuser may beg for forgiveness, offer gifts or promise to change.
▪ Your abuser becomes tense, angry or depressed.
▪ Your abuser promises to stop but repeats the abusive behavior.

Typically each time the abuse occurs, it worsens, and the cycle shortens. Breaking this pattern of violence alone and without help is difficult.

When you live in an environment of abuse, stress and fear, you start doubting yourself and your ability to take care of yourself; it can really unravel your sense of reality and self-esteem.

So it's important to recognize that you may not be in a position to resolve the situation on your own. You may need outside help, and that's OK. Without help, the abuse will likely continue. Leaving the abusive relationship may be the only way to break the cycle.

Sometimes people who are being abused by someone in their own home need to find a safe place to live temporarily. It is never easy to have to leave home, but it's sometimes necessary to be protected from further abuse. People who need to leave home to stay safe can find local shelters listed in the phone book or they can contact an abuse helpline. Sometimes a person can stay with a relative or friend. There are links and contact information available on The Lighthouse Sanctuary Webpage under links.

▪ Calling the police
If you feel you or someone you know are in danger from an abuser at any time, you can call the police. It is scary but....

Consider the following:

▪ If you are in danger when the police come, they can protect you.

▪ They can help you and your children leave your home safely.

▪ They can arrest your abuser when they have enough proof that you have been abused.

▪ When the police come, tell them everything the abuser did that made you call.

If you have been hit, tell the police where. Tell them how many times it happened. Show them any marks left on your body. Marks may take time to show up. If you see a mark after the police leave, call the police to take pictures of the marks. They may be used in court. You can request a specific gender of police person when doing this, or request a doctor at any time.

Calling the police does not mean you have to press charges but at least they will have a record of it should you want to at a later stage.

If your abuser has broken any property, show the police.

The police can give you information on domestic violence programs and shelters.

The police must make a report saying what happened to you. Police reports can be used in court if your abuser is charged with a crime.

Get the officers' names, badge numbers, and the report number in case you need a copy of the report.

A police report can be used to help you get protection.

▪ A Safe Place
It is not fair. You should not have to leave your home because of what your abuser has done. But sometimes it is the only way you will be safe. There are a lot of safe houses and shelters available to victims of abuse if staying with a friend or family member is not possible. It may seem hard seeing children put into care or with relatives but if it keeps them safe it is for the best even if it is only a temporary solution.

▪ Getting Medical Attention
If you have been hurt, go to the hospital or your doctor. Domestic violence advocates (people to help you) may be called to the hospital. They are there to give you support. You may ask medical staff to call one for you. You do not however have to tell anyone what has happened if you are not ready for this, but seeking medical attention for your own well being is vital. Consider telling the medical professionals what has happened as they can then offer support which may be much needed.

Medical records can be important in court cases. Give all the information about your injuries and who hurt you that you feel safe to give.

Sometimes you may not even know you are hurt.

What seems like a small injury could be a big one.

Positive Steps Toward Healing

Here are some suggestions:

▪ Recognize your loss.

▪ Establish safety for yourself.

▪ Respect the way you feel and your right to feel that way.

▪ Talk about your feelings with those you trust.

▪ Connect with other survivors of violence, many of whom experience similar difficulties.

▪ Do not be afraid to seek professional help.

▪ Try to recognize triggers that may take you back to the memory and fear of your trauma.

▪ Try to be patient and avoid making rash decisions - it can take time to figure out where you are, where you want to be, and how to get there.

▪ Take care of yourself - exercise, eat right, and learn to look after you first

▪ Do things you enjoy, spend time with people whom you are safe with who value you for you.

▪ Do not abandon hope - believe that healing can and will take place.

Healing takes time it is a long journey and there will be ups and downs, many questions, hurdles and frustrations may surface along the way.

People who are experiencing abuse often feel weird or alone. But they're not. No one deserves to be abused. Getting help and support is an important first step to change the situation. Many people who have experienced abuse find that painful emotions may linger even after the abuse stops. Working with a therapist is one way for a person to sort through the complicated feelings and reactions that being abused creates, and the process can help to rebuild feelings of safety, confidence, and self-esteem.

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