Many people believe that, because the abuse happened as a child, as an adult the survivor should now just 'forget about it and get on with life'. If it were this simple, many survivors would do it! It is not this simple however. Survivors were not given the opportunity to experience a 'normal' childhood and they cannot go back and re-experience it. Childhood is where all humans learn the basics of adult behaviour. It is where they learn to talk, to walk, to feed themselves, dress themselves, to relate to others and how to decode all manner of verbal and non-verbal messages. When this learning process is distorted through abuse, it is impossible to change or erase the lessons learnt once adulthood has been reached. This is not to say that a survivor cannot lead a perfectly happy and fulfilling life, but they will never be the same as a non-survivor. The way a survivor is taught to think and act is forever different from a non-abused adult. This altered way of thinking affects relationships with their families, partners, close friends, their own children and with themselves.

Choosing a good therapist

Get referrals. You can check with friends, a school therapist, ask your GP, search the internet, and/or contact local rape and abuse charities.

Before you seek support, think briefly about any criterion you may have. For instance is the gender of your therapist important? How about their religious outlook? Is their age an issue for you? How far are you willing to travel? Are the times they are available important to you?

Ask questions like: What credentials and certifications do you have? How long have you been in practice? What issues do you specialize in? What is your experience in the specific area I am seeking therapy for? How would you approach this type of issue? Do you assign homework? What are your fees? Ask as many questions as you want.

Choose a therapist and begin. Not all therapists operate the same way. Some will be very interactive. Some may have an “in your face” style. Others will be more subdued and simply reflect back to you what they hear you saying and what they sense you are feeling. Picking a therapist is like buying a new pair of shoes. While there are many quality shoes around, you only buy the pair that fits you. There is no “one size fits all” in therapy. If the therapist doesn’t feel like a fit, don’t buy. While individual styles of therapy vary, it is usually better to choose a therapist who is active, not passive in the session, working with you — not just listening to you. Remember it is your journey and choosing what is best for you is important.

Actively work with the therapist. If you disagree, speak up. If you have questions, ask. If the therapist isn’t making sense, seek clarification. The more active you are in the process, the better.

Realize that you are not “stuck” with a therapist forever. If things are not going well or no clear plan of action is shared with you, speak up. If your personalities don’t match or his/her style is not what you are comfortable with, talk openly about making a change to another therapist.

What to expect

The first sessions of any therapy will be about discussing with the therapist, why you are seeking support, what your expectations will be and where you want to go with the therapy in order for you both to build up a trusting relationship and for the therapist to get an idea of how to support you. There may be paper work to fill in and a discussion of how often and when would be best for the two of you to meet.

The first appointment may be somewhat uncomfortable, and you may be quite nervous don’t worry this is natural. The therapist should help to make you feel more comfortable and lessen your anxiety.

When many of us go into therapy we do so in the hope of getting some quick release from the distress that we are experiencing at the time. We are very aware that therapy is costing us a lot in terms of time, sometimes money, and energy, and understandably we want to see some immediate results, especially when we are in emotional pain. No therapist, however, has a magic wand to instantly take away our pain, nor do they have a crystal ball and are able to know our exact needs without us saying. Therapy is not like a doctor that can set a broken leg; therapy takes time to heal the mind.

It is important that you talk with your therapist about what your expectations are, and about what your needs are from therapy. Just like any other relationship, the more you know and can communicate what you want and need from that relationship, the better chance you will have of receiving that. It may well be that you are entering therapy for the first time and not have any sense of what needs to happen other than you want to feel better than you currently do feel. It is very important that you express this also. Therapy should be a two way process of communication.

Things to Remember/Think about

The Start

It takes time to establish a trusting relationship with a therapist, so expect it to take several sessions with a therapist before you feel comfortable with them.

Your therapist will not be perfect as a person, and will make mistakes, as all humans do. Hopefully he or she will acknowledge and take responsibility for those mistakes.

You should expect your therapist to have good, strong, boundaries, and to avoid dual relationships, (i.e. personal friendships), to be ethical, and treat you with respect. You need boundaries around the relationship between you and your therapist so that the focus on your needs isn't affected by her personal feelings about you, or by her personal needs or desires. For example, if your therapist wanted to be a personal friend that could affect how she behaved towards you in the sessions and would take some of the focus off your needs. Other members of a group must also respect your rights and your vulnerability.

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Disclosing information

Once you find a therapist who you trust and feel comfortable with, the hardest part is usually disclosing some of the events from the past. Because many victims of abuse have a great fear of being rejected or judged, feelings of being ashamed or guilty telling a therapist specific stories can be very scary and intimidating. However, try your hardest to tell your therapist what is really bothering you, or what has been bothering you from your past. Take it slowly, you do not have to blurt everything out in the first few sessions, therapy should go at your pace

You will need to explore deep feelings and emotional issues in order to affect change. If, after the first few sessions, you find yourself holding things back or too embarrassed or intimidated to talk, then something has gone amiss. If you think it would help, discuss these feelings with your therapist.

Talking to a therapist about your feelings is necessary, but yes, it is also hard to learn. But if you don't talk about your feelings, there is no way that a therapist can help you learn to deal with them. I can almost guarantee to you that anything you say to a therapist will be something that she/he has heard before. You are not alone

Some people find it helpful to write things down instead of talking in the first few sessions, write a letter to your therapist and read it aloud or give it to him/her to read. Perhaps put in it how you feel about the therapy.

Some people find it easier to talk to their therapist if their chair is facing away from them and they can imagine they are alone in the room talking to a wall.

Changes

We all resist change, so do not be at all surprised if you are tempted to quit therapy right before some real changes or breakthroughs are about to happen. Sometimes you may wonder if you have the right therapist because things don't seem to be changing very fast. Making changes can be slow and difficult because your experiences can affect you very deeply.

You can feel less powerful than the therapist because she doesn't expose her needs and vulnerabilities like you do. She can seem to know more than you because she is a professional. However, the aim is for her to help you feel more powerful in your life by attending to your needs as you see them. She is there to help you make the changes you decide to make rather than tell you what to do against your will. It is your journey and you are in control of where you want to go, what you want to achieve, your therapist will suggest ideas for how to achieve your goals but it is up to you to act on them.

Becoming a more healthy and balanced person can feel very unfamiliar and uncomfortable at first. This is both normal, and to be expected.

Others around you may resist your changes and growth, and they will need time to adapt to the new you.

Commitment and Effort

Being committed to therapy will change your life. Be prepared to feel some loss and fear because of this.

Therapy is very often hard work, and can be emotionally draining at times. After an intense therapy session expect to fell exhausted and emotionally drained for a while.

Not wanting to go to therapy and always having an excuse to miss sessions are common experiences. This isn't surprising because therapy can involve painful things like feeling emotions you've blocked off. However, it may mean that your therapist is being inappropriate or that something isn't working for you. You can try talking to your therapist to see if you need to make changes.

Getting therapy is no different from anything else in life. You get out of it what you put into it.

Feeling Worse Before Feeling Better

Sometimes, therapy can release emotions that have been "locked in time" for many years, and sometimes after a therapy session you may feel like a child for a while, with a child's fears.

It is not unusual, when dealing with buried feelings, for what may well be the first time in your life, for you at actually feel that you are becoming worse than you were before you started therapy.

Some therapy is short term (usually focusing on one issue and situation) while other therapy may be much more long term (more than one or complex issues.)

If You Are Not Happy With Your Therapist

If you feel that you are unable to get on with your therapist, you should look around for another one. However, you should also look at if it is that you are unable to get along with them, or if you are becoming afraid of the change that is happening.

Not all therapeutic methods are correct for all people’s needs and situations. If you feel that the therapeutic model used by your therapist is inappropriate for your needs, you should talk this through with your therapist.

If you have been to several different therapists and things still don't feel as if they are moving forward, perhaps you might want to take a step back and examine why you think you need therapy, and what it is you want to change or explore. Sometimes we get so caught up in being sick of everything or just needing help, that we forget what therapy is about. You and your therapist both need a direction. Otherwise, it's like saying 'I just want to go somewhere, I don't care where' and jumping on a bus, then being disappointed because it only went as far as the next town! Try thinking about why you want therapy and what you wish to achieve by going to a therapist. Writing a list can be helpful. Where you are and where you want to go can also be explored over several sessions by yourself and your therapist. Perhaps you are trying to do too much at once

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