Sexual Abuse

Any sexually related behaviour between two or more people where consent is not given or a person feels manipulated or intimidated into giving consent. This can include adult-child, older child-younger child, adolescent-younger person, or any situation where the other person is forced to participate. It is sexually abusive when the victim is unaware of the abuse (such as being watched while bathing, using the bathroom, changing, etc.), as well as when the victim is sleeping, unconscious, under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or is too young, naïve, or able to understand what is going on.

Consent - When a partner freely agrees to do something. This person must understand what the behaviour is all about without being tricked or confused. The partner must know what is acceptable in the culture, family and peer group and must also be aware of the possible consequences for him/herself and others, as well as alternatives to the behaviour. It has to be OK to say no with no with no worries about negative consequences. This includes saying no at any stage of a sexual encounter even if consent was given at the start.

Partner must be mentally competent (of equal intelligence and not under the influence of alcohol or drugs). Legally, there is no such thing as consent for children if the other person is more than four years older. That means the older person cannot excuse his/her behaviour by saying the child agreed to it. Many people on probation for sexual offences are in their 20s and had sex with a 14 or 15 year old they considered a girlfriend. The fact that there may have been a relationship and the girl may have agreed to be sexual does not change the legal definition of this as (statutory) rape.

Myths

There are many commonly held beliefs about sexual abuse. One is that abusers are always men. In fact, reports of female perpetrators are on the rise, involving both male and female victims. At least 5% of abusers are known to be women. Another myth is that the abuser is usually a stranger. More than 70% of abusers are immediate family members or someone very close to the family. Remember - bad guys don't always look bad; they're often the people we love. A third myth is that the abuser is always hated. Often the victim loves and protects the perpetrator. Some children feel "special" about the abuse. It may be the only attention or physical contact they're getting. Because of this, some survivors even into adulthood will deal with the abuse by minimizing it. Thus, they make the abuser and the events "OK", to make it feel like they're okay. An additional myth is that only females are sexually abused. In fact, 30% of all male children are molested in some way, compared to 40% of females.

Guilt

One of the most common feelings after sexual abuse is a sense of guilt, either a belief that somehow it was your fault, that you encouraged it, that you should have done something differently, that you should have fought harder, that you were a bad child etc.

None of these things are true. Abuse is often about overpowering, the situation was not in your control, it should not have happened but it has, you can’t change that it has happened and endless replaying of the incident/s looking at what you think you could have done differently will not help.

When you are feeling guilty about being sexually assaulted, take a minute to look up the definition in the dictionary. It sounds silly, but sometimes it is all it takes to help you remember that you are not the one who committed the crime. It is the person who assaulted you who should feel guilty about their actions.

In no way is this your fault. The abuser is completely responsible for their own actions, their own wrong actions. Imagine this had happened to a friend of yours would it be their fault?

Shame

What happened was no reflection on you as a person, you are a whole person. The only person who should be ashamed is the abuser. Being sexually abused whether as a child, adolescent or adult is not something to be ashamed of; it does not make you weak or less of a person. You are a whole person worth so much; you need to remind yourself of this. Even if you have worked hard to deal with guilt, and have assigned guilt to the person who abused you, and resolved the fact that no guilt belongs to you, shame may still be making you miserable. Shame rises out of a sense of powerlessness and frustration, as well as the continual feeling of shock that something this horrible has happened to you It is the feeling you get when you are sure that someone will think poorly of you because you were assaulted. Shame is longer lasting, and ultimately more dangerous than guilt.

Fear of other people's motives / lack of trust

Following any kind of abuse particularly sexual abuse it can be extremely hard to allow yourself to trust anyone, to allow anyone close through a fear of rejection or of being hurt again. It can be hard to trust anyone especially strangers, take it slowly keep to situations you feel comfortable with and people you feel comfortable with to start and slowly as you develop the ability to trust again build on this. But it can take a lot of time and a lot of work. Developing trusting and/or sexual relationships can be extremely hard and it needs to be taken step by step at a pace you are comfortable with, honesty can really help to develop a supportive relationship.

Without a minimum of trust, sex is scary, unsafe, and un-enjoyable. Different people require different amounts of trust in order to enjoy sex. Some survivors require a great deal of trust, and must know the person they are going to have sex with a long time before they feel comfortable to have sex. Others do not require as much trust to enjoy themselves sexually. Both are okay; it's just important to know your own boundaries and to respect them.

Developing internal trust means becoming aware of and respectful of your own feelings, physical sensations, intuition, thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions - or in other words, your own reality. They are your guides and can be relied upon. At the same, it's important to know the difference between what you have learned to be drawn to or are comfortable with because of its association with the abuse, and what is coming from a deeper, wiser place from within you. Exploring these issues in more depth will help you to make those distinctions.

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Low Self Esteem/ Self hatred

Our self-esteem or self-concept is a measure of how we feel about ourselves. Low self-esteem creates feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness, taking away the self-confidence needed to make decisions and to solve problems. When our own feelings and judgment cannot be trusted, solving even small problems becomes difficult. In many cases low self-esteem and poor self-concept may lead to depression. Depression is a medical condition that often requires medication or therapy to be effectively treated. Low self-esteem can also result in a disregard for personal appearance and health.

Action is necessary for high self-esteem to take hold and blossom.  If you don't do anything, you cannot feel very good about yourself. What good is any kind of success in life if you can't completely enjoy it? 

Laughter is a powerful tonic that can create positive chemicals into your system that have the power to heal.  You'll hear over and over that you are someone who enjoys life, who has the ability to bring joy and laughter to others, that you laugh easily and see the light side of even tense situations.

Anger is also a powerful tool use your anger at what has happened to go forwards to make something of yourself; be all you can be.

Time is our most precious asset.  But almost everyone tries to "kill" or "waste" it.  The people who value themselves the most make their time worth a lot.  This doesn't mean that you can never sit still... it means those with high self-esteem use their time to do what they love to do even at work or filling some other duty.  In addition, high self-esteem individuals tend to enjoy their routine tasks more than anyone else.  They just have a way of putting a positive value on most everything.

Stop rating your total worth as a human being. It makes sense to rate your performances or qualities, but not your total self-worth. Instead of high self-esteem, which can and will come down, you can strive for unconditional self-acceptance. If you base your self-esteem on any external criteria, you are asking for emotional trouble. It is hard following any kind of abuse particularly sexual abuse to see yourself in a good way at all but try and focus on the fact that no matter what has happened you are the person you were before the abuse and after the abuse it was an event; the type of person you are and qualities you possess have not changed. You may have even developed more as a person as surviving any abuse takes strength and faith in a better life. We will all fail or succeed at external activities such as education etc but does that change the kind of person you are no.

Attractiveness can be a desirable trait, but it is just one of many traits people have. If you base your self-worth on attractiveness, you will be insecure no matter how attractive you are.

Sometimes it is hard to accept people’s compliments because of the feelings of self-worthlessness that the abuse has instilled in you. But think about whose words would you rather listen to the words of an evil abuser or the words of friends and family you have trusted and loved for a long time.

Affect on relationships

One of the hardest parts of the aftermath is feeling the need to please other people, for fear of losing their friendship. Often this sense of trying to please everyone can be at detriment to your own wishes, desires and well being. You are the most important person in your life and pleasing yourself should always come first. People are your friends because they like you as a person, not a shadow of themselves; they trust and value your opinion.

Intimacy or closeness with others is a basic human need. Our physical and psychological well-being depends on intimacy, which is defined as: closeness, bonding, caring for and being cared for, and sharing deep feelings and experiences with others. However, many people are afraid of intimacy because intimacy requires risk and vulnerability. The closer someone is to us, the more power they have to potentially hurt us.

Often sexual abuse, particularly if the abuser was someone you knew or were close to, can leave you with needing to find some way to push away those that become too close, or mean something to you, before they get a chance to hurt you. It is very hard not to assume that everyone is going to hurt you. Try surrounding yourself with small amounts of people you feel comfortable with, let them know how you are feeling, let them know that you may push them away, true friends will ride it out with you.

It is hard but sometimes it is about taking a risk, about running the risk of trusting those close to you with things to see if they will hurt you and accepting their love and friendship when they don’t. It will take time and lot of risks but shutting yourself off from the world particularly those you are close to will only hold you back from moving forwards. Sharing your hurt and pain can be a huge step in dealing with what happened.

Everyone deserves the chance to enjoy intimacy and friendship. If you are one of those who finds it difficult to tolerate intimacy, or find yourself sabotaging closeness with others, you can overcome your fear and learn to be intimate and close. To unlearn old dysfunctional habits and develop new, healthy ways to relate to people may require the assistance of a trained therapist or support group. It is a process, which takes time and patience, but is always worthwhile.

Lack of Emotions and a sense of Hopelessness

When faced with pain, at first it seems easier to ignore it, but when that doesn’t work—when it looms over our head like an ominous shadow—our first instinct can be to try to run away from it and hide. Some people even try moving to town or country just in order to escape their pain. However, no matter where we run to, our pain follows us. Things that have happened to us in our past affect how we live our lives, how we develop friendships, whether or not, we trust people, and even how we relate with our spouse. There is no escaping pain no matter how hard we try.

Sometimes after sexual abuse it is very hard to feel emotions because we have shut ourselves off whether consciously or subconsciously our body and mind often does this in order to protect itself from the pain. We put things away at the back of our minds so we don’t have to deal with them and shut ourselves off emotionally so that we can carry on.

In order to survive, people search for ways to cope with and protect themselves from the pain. They may have tried to remove themselves from the reality of the pain by going numb, going “away” or forgetting. But memories and feelings don’t go away. This may work for a short period of time but ultimately it will build up and strike when we least expect it, and we can’t escape the pain, it will always be there lurking until we try and deal with it. It may take a long time for you to remember everything and ultimately you may not but allowing yourself to deal with the past is vital to moving forwards.

Unfortunately, since we can’t escape pain, our failed attempts may leave us feeling hopeless. We don’t see a way out of our pain, and eventually, we just want to give up, because that feels like the only option that we haven’t tried. We may even contemplate suicide as a way to escape the reality of our seemingly destroyed lives. So, it is here, at these moments, where pain will either make us or break us. If we continue to try to run away from the pain, or give up even trying, then it will continue to haunt us and leave us in hopelessness. However, if we face our pain…if we can come to accept the past for what it is—the past—then there is still hope for tomorrow.

Looking to the future is not pretending that the past never happened; it is accepting the past for what it is…a part of us, a part that we cannot change, and a part that has affected every aspect of our lives. We must also remember, though, that our past is not everything. Your past has helped to shape you, but now you have a choice. You can choose to let your past rule your life, or choose to let yourself mould your life into something beautiful. If you are willing, you can use the pain from your life—not only to strengthen you—but also to give you the opportunity to help others through their own pain.

Intense Nightmares/Flashbacks and Panic Attacks

You are not alone in suffering from these. They are common amongst survivors of sexual abuse. The nightmares, flashbacks and panic attacks can all seem very real and scary but there are techniques you can utilise to help yourself cope with them and in time with therapy they can get easier for you. Please see the links page for suggestions on how to cope with these.

 What should I do if I am sexually assaulted?

• Find a safe environment - anywhere away from the attacker. Ask a trusted friend stay with you for moral support.
• Preserve evidence of the attack - don't bathe or brush your teeth. Write down all the details you can recall about the attack & the attacker.
• Call the police you do not have to proceed with pressing charges at this time but registering the information and evidence as soon as possible can make a huge difference should you choose to press charges now or at a later date.
• Get medical attention. Even with no physical injuries, it is important to determine the risks of STDs and pregnancy.  It is your choice whether you tell the hospital you have been assaulted or not, however if you are going to press charges etc any evidence is vital. 
• A counsellor can provide the information you'll need understand the process.
• Remember it wasn't your fault.
• Recognize that healing from rape takes time. Give yourself the time you need.
• Know that it's never too late to call. Even if the attack happened years ago, the Police can still help. Many victims do not realize they need help until months or years later.

There are thousands of victims of sexual abuse that never come forward and report the crime. This may be due to a number of factors. First, the grooming technique an offender uses can make the victim feel as if he or she was an active participant in the abuse itself. If the victim feels this way, they may not report the crime because they may feel responsible in some way. A rape victim may not report the crime out of fear, since many rapists will tell the victim that if they disclose the crime, he/she will return (however, very few rapists actually do). The victim of sexual abuse may be very aware that people may doubt his/her disclosure, their character, their choices, and because of this perception, they may not disclose. This would be considered the community reaction to the crime, and it includes boyfriends/husbands, the police, neighbours, family, the court, etc.

And Remember:

You are not alone, there are others who have survived sexual abuse and you can too.

You can make things better it does take time and a lot of support and healing but you can get there.

It was and is not your fault what these people did was wrong and they are completely 100% responsible for their actions.

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